25 things I’ve unlearned by 25.
- Tanya Grover
- Dec 31, 2020
- 10 min read
(& sometimes still unlearning)
I’ve learned a lot in 25 years. And I’ve learned especially a lot in what was an equally tumultuous & exhilarating, difficult & memorable 24th year. One of the things I’ve learned is the importance of unlearning: how to unlearn, & why unlearning is really just a more challenging—and necessary—version of learning. Unlearning is finally realizing that something you tried to like, you actually really hate. It’s coming to terms with realizing that there are one million different paths you can take in your 20's, and the paths you choose aren't going to look the same as all your peers, and are maybe paths you never thought you'd venture down. It’s breaking down social norms surrounding The Important Things In Life, like love and family and relationships and careers (and houses, because people seem to be buying those these days). Unlearning is acknowledging that the color of your skin has impacted your (quality of) life in more ways you can even wrap your head around. For me, 24 & 2020 were all about unlearning. So here is a list of 25 things I have unlearned (& am still unlearning!). (And if some of these things sound like straight-up learning…that’s kind of the point. We don’t come to believe things in a vacuum.)
Take people for who they are. Humans are hard-wired to manifest expectations, about other humans more than anything else. But your expectations really have nothing to do with another person's energy. When someone gives you one million reasons to believe they are a certain type of person, believe them. And either be okay with them in your life as that person, or don’t. You are in control of deciding who to give your energy to; you are not in control of domineering or altering anyone else's energy.
Just because you feel something does not mean you have to do anything about it. Sometimes in fact, acknowledging that emotion and consciously deciding to not do anything - is exactly what you're supposed to do. This used to be a wildly foreign concept to me, but recently it has brought me a different kind of peace.
Being self-aware is the first step to overcoming any personal struggle. Knowing what behaviors trigger you due to your attachment style, core personality, etc., make processing + responding to upsetting scenarios way less upsetting and chaotic. The way someone/something makes you feel is valid no matter what, yes, because it's your emotion—but that doesn't mean it is objectively right in the eyes of someone whose predispositions are based on their own past, not yours.
There are no rules when it comes to dating. Honestly. Send the text, make the move first, or don’t, try things with someone even when you’re terrified, verbalize your feelings. I used to be so caught up in The Game. You know the one. Playing it cool, being coy, saying the opposite of what you feel…all for what? You can follow all the rules to no avail & still not find what you’re looking for. And you can say fuck the rules & end up super happy with someone. Or the opposite. Or anything in between. It doesn’t matter what “rules” you’re following. (If you’re waiting for a sign: this is it.)
Not every relationship you have in your 20's (or your lifetime for that matter) is meant to last. Someone said this to me once when I was going through a breakup: a relationship either lasts until your dying breath, or you break up. Which means that because we're still so young, relationships that don't last till you're old & grey, are perfectly common. Unlearn that past relationships = failed relationships. Just because something ended, doesn't mean it was wrong.
Your ex does not owe you a birthday text. And vice versa. Unlearn that you have to say the "nice" or "right" thing in every scenario, and stop expecting it from people who don't play an active role in your life.
Everyone’s M.O. is different. In regard to: money, parental relationships, romantic relationships, health, life goals, & pretty much any other Important Topic you can think of. I have unlearned what is “normal.” Nothing is normal when you take into account how everyone has a different background, and no one's standards of happy & happily-ever-ever look exactly the same. Normalcy is so relative.
Normalcy is also overrated. I wanna be the weirdest person at the party; or I wanna find the weirdest person at the party & talk to them in a corner about weird shit.
You don’t have to spend every Friday or Saturday night ~partying~ in order to have fun or have a good weekend. Weekends are also made for relaxing, and sometimes for doing absolutely nothing.
I’ve been doing some unlearning about drinking. As a 2ish-year post-grad, we (for those of you in the same boat) are not that far removed from college drinking culture, which helped formulate the way we view alcohol, going out, etc. As someone who has a hard time saying no & an even harder time saying no to things that are fun, right now I am trying to focus on mindfulness. Have a glass of wine on Tuesday night or get drunk on the weekend, if you want to. Not because a bottle of wine is simply sitting on your bar cart or because you don't wanna feel FOMO about bottomless mimosas. Being mindful actually removes a lot of the potential for negativity surrounding drinking or self-deprecation about your own choices. (Obviously this mindset is to be taken with a grain of salt; like you can’t apply “being mindful” to anything & it be okay. But for now, mindfulness is my mantra.)
Stop coveting approval from friends/family/peers. We are taught that it's natural & polite & socially in-tune to care what people think. But I'm kinda realizing that besides having a good character, there is truly nothing worth gaining societal approval over. Your relationship does not warrant approval from your friends; your lifestyle does not require approval from your family; your career does not need approval from your peers.
I can’t write about unlearning without talking about racism & what’s going on in our country. What’s going on our country is: the same thing that’s been happening for years. But the reality is, if I was writing this post in October 2019 instead of 2020, regardless of how much of an ally I thought I was then, I most likely wouldn’t have included this bullet point. And that is the entire point of all of this. So this year I have been unlearning about what racism looks like in the US at an individual + institutional level, how truly systemic it is & what that means for the kind of people we’ve allowed to run our government; how the schools I went to growing up where I thought I had a great experience/education, were actually a vast contributor to the lack of transparency surrounding the history of racism in the US; that being “nice” or “woke” or liberal or well-educated, does not necessarily signify being anti-racist; that there’s so much more I can do, & learn & know. We’re unlearning & learning in the 2020’s, people.
Unlearn that being alone = feeling lonely/sad. This is not news for many people I'm sure, but it's newer one for me. I'm realizing I actually really enjoy being alone. Growing up I remember my parents & teachers commenting that I was an extrovert, outgoing, social, etc. I think I internalized that into believing I needed to be around people constantly. & I do love being around people, close friends & strangers alike. But I ALSO love wrapping my body in 3 fuzzy blankets & watching stupid teen dramas for 8 hours straight without speaking a single word out loud and my phone on Do Not Disturb.
Liking things just because they're “cool” is so dumb. Like what you like. Ex: I hate reality TV (minus the Bachelor here & there); I love cheesy ridiculous teen drama shows.
You do not need to be in constant communication with people. Humans are not meant to interact or converse with others constantly all day long, and no one—not your mother, best friend, or boyfriend—is entitled to your energy 24/7. I sometimes feel guilty when I don’t text back fast enough (or admittedly sometimes forget altogether), but at the end of the day, it’s not so crazy to watch TV, run errands, or eat dinner without being in a texting conversation. That being said, life's about balance. I also like to blow up my friends' phones with 17 messages in a row and start a ruckus in the group chat.
Speaking of balance. I am constantly seeking, & often failing, to find balance. I'm very into the Maoist idea of chaos vs. order. My life is filled with a LOT of chaos, and a surprising amount of order, and I’m still unlearning that it's okay to not feel balanced 100% of the time. But I do believe you need somewhat of a perfect mix of the two to feel fulfilled.
I say fulfilled^ and not happy, because holy shit have I done a lot of unlearning about happiness. Did anyone else learn that it was “bad” to be unhappy? The stigma surrounding mental health is so frustrating. That is a blog post for another time. But long story short, it is so absurd to think you will be “happy” all of the time. I thought for so many years that this was normal.
You don’t have to go to a boujee gym with a $100+ per month membership to get a good workout in or feel great about yourself & your fitness. Quarantine reminded me that you can burn calories & find mental clarity by simply moving your body on your own terms, by your own two feet hitting the pavement! (But I do love a good boujee fitness studio.) You also don't have to work out every day, every other day, x amount of times per week, or whatever you view your "healthy" threshold to be. Imagine how crazy it's gonna sound when you tell your grandkids in 40 years that you Instagram live pilates-ed your way through a global pandemic. Work out when you want to, binge Netflix or read a book when you don't.
By 25, we have met a lot of people & we have formed friendships with many of these people. We've got connections to our high school hometown, our college circle, and then our post-grad life. For some, all 3 of these are distinct; for others, all 3 may be the same. The simple fact of the matter is it's unrealistic to maintain the same level of closeness with every friend over the span of these eras. I think this notion is one of the saddest + most natural parts of growing up.
Even sadder than that, not every person you share heartwarming memories with, is supposed to stay in your life forever in general. It’s simply not possible to carry every person with you through life, even if nothing went wrong—which is actually harder than letting go of people who did you wrong. Moving on from an ex is easy in the sense that you know it’s right thing to do; but accepting that a friendship has changed due to distance, or time, or different lifestyles, is so challenging. Leaving people who belong in the past, in the past, might be one of the hardest parts about being human.
You can choose to make an old chapter of your story with someone, as relevant or irrelevant as you want to your present narrative. Breakups & exes & mistakes only define you if you let them. You don't deserve to be defined by these things; but you do owe it to yourself & the people in your life to learn from them.
Family is what you make of it. Family can be your best friends. Family is anyone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself. It does not necessarily have to do with the house you were raised in. Family is all-encompassing of the truly greatest people in your life.
If someone whose relationship to you is important on paper but they make you feel like shit, you do not have to put up with them or continue to engage in that situation. Life is too fucking short to spend time with humans who don’t lift you up or make you feel alive.
Live. And. Let. Live. I don’t understand the choices of every loved one in my life. And similarly, I am sure that some people who love me feel the same about my life choices. That’s okay. Your path was not made for everyone; not everyone views the world the same way you do; do not expect people to want the same things as you. People you love can want something you wouldn’t want in a million years, and they still have an equal shot at happiness.
The 25th thing I’ve unlearned is an adage we’ve all heard: age is just a number. I think it’s hard to truly wrap your head around this until your mid-twenties. Age has nothing to do with how intelligent, mature, down-to-earth, successful, or theoretically happy you are. I have friends in their late twenties/early thirties who can party like there’s no tomorrow (and also have kick-ass jobs & are kick-ass human beings). I know people younger than me who have their shit together in ways that I simply do not. You can be more mature at 25 than 35. You can be navigating your first stable, healthy relationship at 18, or 24, or 29, or 33. You can be ready for that kind of relationship right now, or not want it till your 30’s. You can decide to be single for the first time at 27. It doesn’t fucking matter! As long as you’re being a good human & staying true to what you want.
Lil disclaimer. These are all things I personally am still unlearning & trying to work on, every day. Therefore I am not preaching; this is not a self-help blog. These are simply things that honestly were probably problematic enough in the past year for me that they elicited consciously thinking about how to approach them differently. Learning & unlearning is hard work, & it can be mentally exhausting or emotionally taxing, but it’s worth it. The things we learn, from our parents, our schooling, our past, our privilege—they are not the end-all, be-all truth. It is up to you to explore these "truths," learn why you believe that way, & unlearn some of the truths along the way. I think this is how we become the best & most authentic version of ourselves.
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