The Thing About Leaving

Leave(ing): /lēv/ verb

1. go away from.

Synonyms: depart from, go away from, go from, withdraw from, retire from, take oneself off from, exit from, take one's leave of, pull out of, be gone from, decamp from, disappear from, vacate, absent oneself from

2. allow to remain.

"Go away"; "withdraw"; "disappear"; "absent"...these are not happy words. These phrases that the dictionary uses to describe the act of leaving do not characterize its essence in a positive light. However, while the above definitions display a rather obvious negative connotation, the thing about leaving is that it is incredibly romanticized. Within literature, music, and other forms of pop culture today, protagonists in novels and ambiguous song characters always seem to be feeling pretty damn great when they make a decision to leave, whether that be physical or emotional distancing. Leaving inarguably carries an aura of importance and change, doubts and promises, hopes and fears. This is true. But I would like to argue that it is not the act of leaving itself that should carry such significance or grandeur. Rather, we should instead focus solely on the new experiences that come to exist as a direct result of leaving somewhere, something, or someone. Those are the experiences that will make it worth it. Because honestly, the leaving part sucks. No matter how strong, stoic, or independent you are, leaving is hard.

I will tell you even though I've been looking forward to studying abroad ever since I understood the concept, that even though Spain will not be a new country to me and Europe not a new temporary home, leaving will still be hard. As someone who prides myself on my independent nature and purposeful emotional nonchalantness, it almost pains me to write this post, but hey, if anything solicits raw honesty it's the beginning of a new year.

Leaving is hard, and the truth is that this will be no exception for me when I leave in 12 days. It will be hard to leave Lawrence---a whole semester without Thursdays at the Hawk, my favorite little nook in Watson, the endless destinations on Mass Street, portobello burgers at Dempsey's, and all my best friends. To miss so many 21st birthdays, Mardi Gras in St. Louis, KU basketball, and everything else in between January--May...the FOMO will be real.

But that doesn't mean that I'm excited as hell to embark on this incredible journey. Because in place of all of that, I get to call a new place home for four months, be immersed in a language and culture that fascinates me, befriend people from all over the world, explore Europe, grow as a Spanish scholar and human being, and gain countless worldly experiences that will no doubt contribute to my development as an intelligent, cultured adult (all with one of my best friends at my side...S/O Andie).

The leaving is the hard part. But once I'm there, I don't think I will look back. John Green sums it up pretty well:

"It's so hard to leave---until you leave. And then it's the easiest goddamned thing in the world."